Cupcakes and {Day 2}

Well today my sis turns 21. For some reason, I thought rainbow cupcakes would be appropriate...

And {Day 2} is "what I wore":

Thanksgiving and Other Things

 First off...We had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Full of delicious food and lots of family.

And my brother surprised us and showed up...

 Also, this sounds like fun...

(And I bet it will take way longer than 30 consecutive days.)
So, here is my first photo:

...And that is all.

Yes.

{memories}

I don't remember a whole lot about last November--partly because I don't want to and partly because there are so many other good things to remember.
I do recall, however, one of the last conversations I had with my Papa. It was early November of last year. He was pretty sick but still sitting out in the living room and not just in his bedroom. I was recovering from an eye injury and I was tired of laying on our couch at home. So, I decided to go lay on his couch. He was sleeping when I got there so I just snuggled up on the couch and closed my eyes. After about ten minutes, my mom had wandered into the other room and he quietly asked how I was feeling. I smiled and told him I was doing good. He smiled back. Then we both resumed our naps.
At the time I don't really remember anything unusual about this conversation--probably because thats just the man my Grandpa was: others before himself. It was normal. But, looking back, I realize that there I was with an eye injury that wasn't all that serious in comparison to stage four lung cancer. But, yet, he wanted to know how I was doing.
He passed away the day before Thanksgiving and this year the date happens to fall on Thanksgiving. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm thankful that the very last thing he said to me was, "I love you, Aly" and I'm thankful for all the good, good memories. But, at the same time, I'm sad. Death is painful and messy and so, so real. I don't think there is anything more real than death. I'm a little mad still. Seventeen is way too young to lose anybody. Let alone your only grandparent. But, this year, I'm not going to conentrate on that. Or at least try not to. I'm going to concentrate on how blessed I was to have him in my life for those seventeen years.

"You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have truly lived are the moments when you have done things in the spirit of love," -Henry Drummond
   

On Getting Home

Chattering teeth, chapped hands, wind swirling through my hair. Finally the bus rushes to the curb. I step on and the driver nods. I don't need to show my pass; he knows my red cheeks and blue lips by now. An older woman is eating chicken soup under the sign that says "No food or drink" in big block letters. She has creases in her head and mismatched socks. Nobody seems to mind. A genetleman with a cane is reading a crumpled paper and a mother tries to shush her crying baby. A couple holds hands in the back seat. It is busy today. Almost all the plastic seats are filled with people bundled in coats and scarves and backpacks and shopping bags. People with faces and names and stories. I would love to hear their stories sometime, but not now. I have homework to start. I jam an earbud inside my ear and take a seat by a young man in a plaid bowtie. I smile and he smiles back. I shove my backpack under the seat and start reading. The words rattle around in my head like the orphaned penny on the ground. The bus rushes through the streets, stopping every once and a while to invite other thankful passengers into its warm arms. Rain pelts the windows and everybody squeezes together to make room for a wheelchair passenger. We continue rushing through the dark streets lit by a soft orange glow."The normal?" the driver asks. I realize he is talking to me. I smile and nod. He stops the bus and I grap my backpack. A rush of waves and nods see me to the door. I smile. "See you all tomorrow," I say as I step into the rain and rush to my front door.   

 

{my recent life}

...has been full of pictures

...and hopefully a lot more to come.

love

"The kindness of a Christian toward others...should be a practical love, a love which entails on him self-sacrifice and self-denial, both in money, and time, and trouble. His charity should be seen not merely in his talking, but his acting-not merely in his profession, but in his practice," -J.C. Ryle

{hello}

I was born in the heart of a hurricane season
In the house where my mamma was raised
That old September wind feels just like a long lost friend

I want to run through those cottonwood trees
Fall asleep in a big bed of fresh fallen leaves
And in every wind that blows there's a song of letting go
It's not good-bye, it's hello

When we met underneath the blue skies of summer
And those summer skies turn into fall
That sweet September wind made us so much more than friends

And we ran through those cottonwood trees
We made love in a big bed of fresh fallen leaves
And in every wind that blows there's an innocence that knows
It's not good-bye, it's hello

In the moment that one thing ends
Is the same time that one begins
And return as we must
We are ashes to dust, amen.

When the days of my youth have all faded
And the memories are all that remain
Let that old September wind take me back to where I've been

I can run through those cottonwood trees
And remember the smell of those fresh fallen leaves
Now in every wind that blows there's a part of me that knows
It's not good-bye, it's hello

Autumn

For as long as I can remember Autumn has been my favorite season. It just seems like there is nothing not to like. The colours are gorgeous. The wet leaves stick to your boots. Its just chilly enough for sweaters and hats, but not quite gloves and coats. There are long phone calls with my siblings. There is always a warm glow coming from the house after a long day at school. A hot cup of tea and a chat with mom waits inside. There are candles, crisp apples and a fire.

Fall is bittersweet too. There is change everywhere. There is homework, tests and early mornings. There is failure. There are frosts. There are empty seats at the dinner table that will never be filled. There is harsh loss.

But, there is also peace. There is faith in a God who loves us more then we will ever know.

"Well sometimes my life/Just don't make sense at all/When the moutains look so big/And my faith just seems so small/So hold me Jesus, 'cause I'm shaking like a leaf/You have been King of my glory/Won't you be my Prince of Peace/And I wake up in the night and feel the dark/Its so hot inside my soul/I swear there must be blisters on my heart/Surrender don't come natural to me/I'd rather fight You for something/I don't really want/Than to take what You give that I need/And I've beat my head against so many walls/Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees/And this Salvation Army band/Is playing this hymn/And Your grace rings out so deep/It makes my resistance seem so thin."

always realizing

Well, here I am sitting at school watching all these strange people go by and it just hit me:

Life is good.

I love it.

Give Us Clean Hands

We sang this today and I thought it was just too great to not share:

We bow our hearts, we bend our knees
Oh Spirit, come make us humble
We turn our eyes from evil things
Oh Lord, we cast down our idols

So give us clean hands, give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
So give us clean hands, give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another

And God let us be a generation that seeks
Seeks Your face, O God of Jacob
And God let us be a generation that seeks
Seeks Your face, O God of Jacob

my brother

So, my brother has been at West Point for almost 10 days now. I admit, I have put off blogging about this. I was hopeful that I would come up with something really good to say. I was hopeful that I would be able to process and work things out and come up with a fantastic blog post. But, no. Haha, how misguided I was. All I can process at the moment is that it is a journey. A really big, exciting journey and I am so glad he got the chance to be on it. I am so proud of him. And I really miss him a lot.

Happy Father's Day, Daddy

Okay...so maybe father's day is over, but what the heck. I am getting ahead for next year.

I want to talk about my dad. First of all, my dad and I are a lot alike. We are silly and we like the same kind of food (nothing soggy!). We have the same eyes and a lot of the same character traits. But, we are also really different.

My dad is incredibly generous. He is smart. He works hard. My dad is the one up late at night finishing the dishes. He is also the one up (very) early to make coffee. But the thing that sticks out the most to me is that my dad never complains. Okay, so maybe he is not always joyful (love you dad!), but he never complains. He really does work hard and he really doesn't complain about it. Being a dad is a lot of work but my dad sure doesn't make it look that way.

There are three things that I especially love about him. First, he is hilarious. He brings new meaning to the term "Proctor humor". To exhibit true Proctor humor you must first be a Proctor (obviously) and, second, you must always laugh at your own jokes. Most of the time that means laughing when nobody else is. But, you see, my dad has brought Proctor humor to a new level because he has gotten so good at laughing at his own jokes that me and my family members have started to laugh right along with him. Or is that just because we are Proctors as well....? The second thing that I love about my dad is his ability to find out pretty much anything. He knows what is airing on TV to what classes I should take next semester. I love it. Within days of my brother applying to West Point, my dad knew almost everything about the school. I distinctly remember my dad spurting out information about it to my brother who was totally clueless. The first time I mentioned I wanted to study abroad my dad instantly knew what my options where, how much, for how long and everything in between. Although this might just seem quirky, it is not. It shows the kind of person my dad is. He is smart and he invests his time. He invests his time in me and my siblings. And, not to mention, in really helpful ways. Third, lastly, he is always, always, always there when I need a hug.

With all that said, Dad, I am proud to be your daughter. I love you.

summer {so far}

thoughts

While I was looking around on the internet for a good book to read, I came across this quote:

"The great thing to remember is that though our feelings come and go, God's love for us does not," -C.S. Lewis

Wow. This quote hit a home run for me. Today at church we sorta talked about this. We talked about how you can be having a great day, how you can be on top of the world and your to-do list and even be feeling pretty close with God. Doing what He calls you to do and maybe even be reaching out to others. Rolling with the punches. All in all, things couldn't be better.

But then something happens and your world crashes.

It could be anything from a legit reason or something really dumb. Which most of the time it is. Something dumb as in irrelevant and small compared to your totally good day with God. Maybe it is a bad grade or some rude comment somebody made at work or maybe it is something somebody didn't do that you were expecting. Anyways, it makes your world crash. You don't feel like doing anything. You just don't care anymore. But, of course, the question sorta rises out of nowhere; how could something so small ruin what you thought was pretty strong?

I don't know the answer.

But I do know that it's okay, in one sense. It's not what we do that "makes" God love us--it's not how good (or how bad) of a day we are having. It's not just how much our world has crumbled. That's not the point at all. It doesn't depend on us. Perhaps this world crashing experience is unavoidable or perhaps its an expression of just how much things are messed up inside. Maybe it happens to everybody, maybe it doesn't. The point though; God still loves us. God still loves us when we let something silly breech our time and our affections towards Him.

He loves us even when we turn away. He loves us. Even though things turn our boat upside down, He is always there loving us. Not loving us back, but just loving us.

That is what gives me a whole lot of peace.

summertime and other things

summer:
-Alison Krauss concert
-fresh cut grass
-NYC
-18th birthday
-nephew
-bye bye wisdom teeth
-BBQ
-fishing
-YMCA
-flowers
-river
-sunburn
-sister's graduation
-pictures. lots and lots of pictures.

My goal for this summer is to really enjoy it. I mean, really take the time to enjoy it. And that just might include lots of trips to Uswirl.

Well, I suppose summer break has official started. And I also suppose I am officially done with highschool. What a weird feeling. Considering I skipped my senior year of highschool and spent it getting ahead on college, I wasn't quite prepared for the feeling. I feel old, proud, scared and excited all at the same time.
I am all registered at BSU for the fall. I AM SO EXCITED. I hear college is fun...
This summer is going to be very, very different. It will be the first summer without my grandpa. That makes me really sad especially since the horse races are back (woot woot). Also, it will be the first summer without my brother. Well, in a sense. He's getting facebook (right Aaron...?) and that's almost the same as being together in real life. Darn you 21st century....

marry me?

"Forever can never be long enough for me,
To feel like I've had long enough with you.
Forget the world now, we won't let them see.
But there's one thing left to do.

Now that the weight has lifted,
Love has surely shifted my way.

Marry me,
Today and every day.
Marry me.

Say you will.
Say you will." -Train

in love

do not be dismayed

"So do no fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous hand," -Isaiah 41:10

Trusting

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

home

"keep back nothing"

"Give up your self, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end: submit with every fibre of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will ever really be yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in," -C.S. Lewis: Mere Christianity

Here Goes Everything

"I never got anywhere
By running away
I never learned anything
Without a mistake

I never loved anyone
By playing it safe
It's a long way down
But I'm here right now, so

Here goes nothing
Here goes everything
Gotta reach for something
Or you'll fall for anything"--Bebo Norman


This song speaks to me. I have to constantly remind myself that you really can't love anybody by playing it safe. You have to take risks. I really don't learn anything without a mistake. Its okay to mess up. So here goes everything...

Knock

"Ask, and it shall be given to you; seek, and you shall find; knock, and it shall be opended to you," Matthew 7:7

A lot of knocking has been going on at the Proctor's and a lot of opening:
1. Westpoint
2. A niece/nephew

Wow.